Emotions

This week has been full of them. From hope and excitement, to laughs, to tears, to pain. Caring for a parent who is terminally ill is never easy. It is especially difficult when you don't know how long the illness will last and what you can do to make it better.

This week with my dad has been one where I have discovered good and bad in my self and in my relationship to my dad. My dad is a good man. He always has been honest and has done all that he knew how to do to get by in life. He has been a man who wanted to live simply.

This week has stirred in me so many emotions. I have learned to see things through different lenses and to realize there is a great deal more that must be investigated. I am a very flawed person when it comes to compassion and care. I have very little to offer in patience. I am an imperfect caregiver.

I don't know how long my dad will last. He may be here another few days or weeks or it could be months. Only God knows for sure. I am not even sure my dad will know I was here after I leave. This has been a hard week for me personally. I feel like a limp noodle emotionally.

I am leaving tomorrow to go back home. I am not sure if I will ever see my dad again. I am working through all my emotions and all my own junk right now. So, I will not be writing about my dad's illness any more for a while. I need to process, pray and reflect.

Thank you for all those who have prayed, sent messages and notes. I appreciate them all and ask you to continue to pray for my mom and dad. Eventually I will update everyone and let you know how things are going. Feel free to ask and to call about how things are with my parents.

I love an appreciate all of you.

John

Long Days and Restless Nights

I am in Mississippi helping care for my dad this week. He has been ill but seems to be dong okay right at the moment. He is alert, moving around and mostly calm. The days are long as he needs to be watched constantly, but mostly he is having "good days." The late afternoon and evenings get him very restless. The Hospice workers call it "Sundown Syndrome."

This morning about 3:00, my mom woke me up. My dad was saying that he was dying. He said he could see his father who has been gone since 1969. We sat, prayed and sang to him. My brother and sister who live here in town came over and we sat up through the night to see if this was the end or not. He went back to sleep and woke up this morning without knowing that anything had happened. We are quickly learning that this is not a simple and calculated process.

I was amazed at the peace my dad had as he struggled last night. He never moved from the bed, he wasn't restless or afraid. He simply said he was ready to go. It is the first time that I have seen him so calm in the midst of this new part of "life." I am learning to be amazed at many different things that I never expected to see.

In this process I am working through my own emotions and also trying to understand God's plan and design for human life. I have finally grasped a universal truth that humanity has grappled with for thousands of years: God is not small enough to fit into our human brain. His plans are not my plans. His ways are not my ways. And his vision is bigger than mine. For all of that I am eternally thankful.

I don't understand all there is to know about God. I will never know all that can be known about God. But I know these two things beyond any doubt: God loves me (and you) and God is good. With that in mind, the long days and restless nights can be managed.

Steps

Forgive me if this is a little personal, but it's my blog and I designed it to be my thoughts and feelings. If you have read earlier posts, you know that I am in Mississippi this week helping my parents. My dad is dying, we are just not sure where in the process he is. (As I write that last sentence I realize that is true for all of us.) I made it to Columbus with a few delays because of weather in Atlanta. Last night was all about getting the lay of the land as far as my dad is concerned.

I noticed very quickly that a big part of my role this week is going to be watching where my dad steps. He is on oxygen quite a bit and the cord often gets tangled around his legs. I had to untangle him several times last night just so he could walk from the kitchen to the living room.

I was thinking this morning how God spends so much time untangling our mess. I was reading in Amos today where Amos is calling out the nation of Israel for walking away from God's law. God had to untangle their mess for years. Wouldn't it be great if we could keep ourselves from being tangled up in the first place?

God's call is the call to obedience. It is the call to follow and trust that his plan, his purpose and his desire for our lives is better than even our own. When we follow the path of Christ we keep ourselves from being tangled up in the first place. It's a better way to live our lives.

A New Journey

I am leaving Florida in a couple of hours headed to Columbus, Mississippi to spend the week with my mom and dad. I am not really sure what to expect because of my dad's health, but I am praying that God will allow me to be a part of encouraging and helping in some way.

My daughter asked me the other night if I was looking forward to drinking sweet tea at my mom and dad's. (Yes, in our house the tea is unsweet. ) I had to be honest and tell her that I was not looking forward to a whole lot on this trip. I want to help my mom and to minister to my dad, but this is not like taking a vacation. I know it is going to be difficult, but I am praying that this will be a good time for me to minister to my parents.

Our life is a journey. We never know what to expect or what the outcome of things will be. It is scary, exciting, frustrating and disappointing at times. The great part is that we never have to travel alone. God has made a promise to never leave us or forsake us. In the journey we have a companion. And one who knows our fears, our hurts, our joys and our sorrows.

Many people have traveled the road my family is on right now. However for us it is a new path; the "Road Less Traveled" so to speak. We are hoping and praying this road is not a long one. But whatever the outcome and whatever the result, we know we are not traveling alone.

My Dad's Still Funny!!

I have written a few times that my dad is dying. He has been ill for quite a while and has been progressively getting weaker. His mind is going at a much quicker rate than his body. he floats in and out of being aware of what is going on. But every now and then he still cracks us up.

I was talking to my brother Dan earlier tonight when he told me about something my dad said. My dad has been saying for the last couple of days. He said yesterday that he was gong to heaven. This afternoon he told my nephew Bobby that he thought he was going to heaven last night. He said, "I woke up this morning and thought, 'Oh, crap! I missed the boat!'" If you know my dad you know how funny it is!!!

Please continue to pray for my family. I will be going up next week to spend the week helping my mom care for my dad. I will do my best to keep everyone updated. Thank you all for your prayers and messages of concern.

WET!!!

Everything is wet!!! The streets, the yards, the parking lots. The Treasure Coast got pounded by Tropical Storm Fay yesterday and turned everything into a sponge. The road leading in to the parking lot at the church is flooded. The drainage ditches and the grass lots have feet of standing water. Thankfully everything else is fine.

I'm sitting in my office trying to fight my way out of the gray clouds lingering outside. More rain is expected today and more rain means more standing water. I feel like Spongebob. (I do have pants on, however!!)

We have a big event at church on Sunday. I am not sure if we can make it happen. The ground will take at least a week to dry. I always wonder why God allows things like this to happen on weeks we have special events. I guess he has a plan and I know I can trust him to work it all out. I am just ready to see the sun!!!!

Storms, Storms, Storms!!!

It is raining really hard. Not little rain drops, but buckets of rian. Tropical Storm Fay is really a big headache. So far there is no major damage around us, but schools are closed, the streets are flooded, and we are all around the house trying to keep busy. In some ways it is fun, but in other ways it is just a hassle.

We are fine here. I am praying that our electricity does not go out, but it will at some point. I plan to work today and exercise with the kids and just do what I can. But this storm reminds me of the storms we face everyday.

Some are huge. If you are homeless today, or live in a flooded area, or live in a substandard house, today is a disaster. If you are like me and most people, it is just a headache. But I feel for people today.

Our spiritual lives are similar. For some of us, life just rolls along in normal order. We may have a little headache here or there, but overall, life is pretty normal. Others are trapped in major storms. They are tossed around, flooded out and banged up.

Christ is the anchor of our life. He holds us through storms, calms us through fears, and guides us to safety under the protection of his healing wings. Storms can teach us incredible things and can strengthen us for future storms. Had I not already gone through several hurricanes I would be freaking out today.

Whatever your storm is, trust Christ to guide you through. Allow him to become an anchor and rock and shelter through the wind and rain.

Peace.